Know Thyself: For the Sake of Others

Before I had children, I spent 24 hours a day with a person that, come to find out, I didn’t know very well.

 Me.

Before having children, I was motoring along in life ticking all the boxes. I finished high school, went off to college, picked a major (albeit reluctantly), finished college, moved away from my home state, met someone, got married, started a career of sorts, had kids---. Then screech went the brakes, and I was thrown forward in my seat with the bruise of a lifetime on my forehead.

 And that’s when I met myself.

As soon as I couldn’t run to the office or out to dinner with friends, as soon as I became responsible for someone besides myself, there I was. And it wasn’t pretty. I wasn’t as much fun as I thought I was.

Stay at home motherhood. Yikes. The house was quiet, the stakes were high, the fun was minimal. I couldn’t figure out why I was struggling so much. I couldn’t understand why parenthood wasn’t just another scenic stop on the breezy road of life.

Then I got it. There had been signs before, I had just chosen to ignore them. I was bad at doing hard things. (ahem, quit most jobs after about a year) I was bad at staying in one place (moved from MN to MD to WI to IN) and the icing on the cake, I have a mean inner voice that is hard to silence (hence the fury of activity most of the time to keep it at bay).

But God was merciful to me.

He led me to the Enneagram as a tool to understand more about myself.

Alas, began a long and painful journey to understand why I had hit such a large roadblock. And luckily, it was beginning to make sense. My personality and motivation were in line with the Enneagram 7, the Enthusiast, the one with a very active brain, a zest for life, a desire to consume all things. But really at its core is afraid, afraid of being stuck in pain. That fear motivates the Enthusiast to consume experiences like one consumes chocolate—one more then one more and one more after that, thinking each one will be the answer, will be the most satisfying, will stop the anxiety and quell the fear, will shut up that stupid voice.

Pretty picture, huh?

Not surprising, I found being home with children boring and hard and well, like being locked in the prison that I was so scared of. I couldn’t just run to the next thing, to the next job, the next state.

But knowing that I had that proclivity to run saved me. I could see outside myself, like I was watching my life from the third person. I could see that I wanted to be faithful to my family more than I wanted the next dopamine hit that felt good for a fleeting moment. That even though I really wanted to run away, that it would be harmful to those that I loved and would keep me in the perpetual cycle of unhealth that I was experiencing.

And well, of course, God. He took the brunt of my anger. My self-righteous self, telling him that I deserved for this to be easier. Good thing he’s faithful when I’m not.

Now that my kids are a tad older, I can already tell that the clouds are beginning to part (The Simpsons style) and the world is becoming larger again. And guess what? I’m a healthier person. Who knew doing hard things actually makes you a better person? Dang.   

And thanks to the Enneagram, I have the language that I needed to understand why this was so challenging for me. Why other new mothers seemed to transition easily while I transitioned like an aquaphobic dog thrown into a bathtub.

So here I am, three kids in and still a stay-at-home mom. The days are still long and hard but at least now I know why. There are frustrating and painful moments alongside fantastic and fun ones. One minute I feel trapped and the next I’m grateful I get to witness the lives of these amazing little boys.

 It’s tumultuous, that’s for sure.

 But one thing remains, I’m still here. And I’m showing up for these boys.

If you want to know more about yourself or want to hear more about the Enneagram, let me know! I’d love to talk with you.

Six Feet of Social Awkwardness

I am super socially aware—ALL THE TIME. Whenever I’m talking with other people, I am always asking myself, am I talking too much? Did I ask enough questions? Crack enough jokes? Make the right amount of eye contact and smile enough to brighten someone else’s day?

Usually I can check all of the boxes and leave most social interactions with that dopamine hit extroverts get when they genuinely enjoy connecting with people all the time and in any situation, like I do.

But then I had children.

And suddenly all of my super social savviness disintegrated like soap down a drain. Not only do I now spend most of my time with said tiny children who, no matter which way you spin it, are not usually dopamine providers, but I also have limited social interaction in the outside world.

And the interactions I DO have in the world, with my toddlers in tow, are less than pretty.

Let’s look at a social interaction between Ashley and the world BEFORE children.

Quick Target run…Ashley sees a girl in the aisle with awesome shoes and tells her that they are super cute, where did she buy them? Girl replies that they were from her mom but that she probably bought them at Marshall’s and it was recently. Ashley says that her mom has great style too and loves to shop which works well because Ashley does not. Girl agrees and says the same, they find out that both have parents living outside the state and that being here is hard and sometimes lonely, they miss their parents. They chat about what brought them to Indiana, how they like Indianapolis, how they feel like lots of people who live here grew up here… Yada yada, twenty minutes pass and they decide to get coffee in the next week and become friends! Voila! Not an uncommon occurrence in the life of Ashley pre-babies.

THEN THE CHILDREN HIT.

Quick Target run…One child is sitting up in the front of the cart and the other is in the basket. Let’s start with best case scenario and say they are both happily munching snacks so Ashley knows that she has 7-9 minutes before, either another snack appears, or she’s made it through the store completely, checked out and loaded them in the van. She’s armed with snacks so things are looking good. There is a girl in an aisle with cute shoes. Right at the moment that Ashley is about to mention them, her younger son throws his snack cup on the floor and starts to cry. Her older son decides to engage the girl in a conversation and begins to tell her that he just got a new dragon toy and that he had peanut butter and jelly for lunch. So between crying child and chatty child, Ashley smiles apologetically at the girl, says “cute shoes” and moves on. Snack clock ticking. Tick tock, tick tock.

See the difference? Missed social opportunity. Gut-wrenching for a social butterfly.

But, this is temporary, right?

Everyone says it is.

For those who operate in the world with young children, we have to believe that mostly other people get it. They understand the determination on our faces as we plow through stores as quickly as possible, or break off conversations in the middle to answer menial questions or kiss boo boos.

But for the socially sensitive extroverts, this has been challenging and painful. All social norms are broken and bets are off. Eye contact? Asking thoughtful questions? Reaching the actual natural end of a conversation? Long gone.

Now let’s talk about social norms during this current pandemic…gah! As if operating in the world with children wasn’t my own version of Corona virus social anxiety every single day, now let’s add all of the other questions like, what if I have to bring my children to the store? Should I wear a face mask? Can I engage this person in a conversation while wearing said mask? What about the fact that I’m 31 weeks pregnant with a very obvious bump? Does that make people uncomfortable? It’s too much, and I see how the regular person has just decided to draw their blinds until further notice, no social interaction period.

But I can’t live that way. It’s my 9th circle of hell to never talk to anyone outside my house ever again.

So we walk around the block. Again and again. The boys need the exercise and I need the fresh air and the chance to at least smile at a neighbor.

The block walking and quick trips to the grocery store have left me with a litany of awkward social interactions that make me cringe whenever I think of them. Allow me a second to share them with you. Also, because I love reading about these and hate living them, so you’re welcome--

• The neighbor who walks around me in a very wide berth while giving me the side eye as if I was in their way, love that

• The guy at the grocery store who tells me I shouldn’t be at the store because I’m pregnant, thanks sir super helpful

• The other neighbor who engages me in a conversation outside my house from more than 100 yards away. I can’t hear her so when I move closer (let’s say like 80 yards), she tells me not to come any closer…awkward, then stop talking to me!

• Lastly, the neighbor we compliment (from across the street) about the beautiful tree in his front yard who tells us to stay 6 feet away from it, uhhhh, your tree?

Now let me tell you all of the socially awkward things I’ve done because I feel like a fumbling quarterback with Jello hands whenever I’m in public these days—

• Apologized to the butcher for touching a piece of saran wrapped meat and then putting it back, he told me that someone else was gonna touch it and then someone else after that, he was right

• Abruptly left a conversation with my neighbor because my children, who were just being children, were not keeping the proper 6 feet of social distancing. Even though she didn’t seem upset, I yelled at them. Newsflash, they don’t get it

• Tried to make light-hearted conversation with the cashiers at the stores and most of the time this falls flat, they’re tired and scared and worn out, that’s ok

• Gave the side-eye to a woman who came up next to me in produce to pick her own strawberries, yikes, it’s getting to me too!

• Not smiling at people when I make eye contact with them because people have stopped smiling at me

There ya go. Like many a yard sign will tell you, we’re all in this together, right? And I’m just as guilty of being awkward and critical of others as they are of me.

And I hate that.

Because it is important to me to care for the other people that I see, to be up for conversation if someone starts one with me, to simply smile at someone else with confidence instead of waiting for them to smile at me.

So here’s the question, how can we be a light when we are in public to others during this awkward and scary time?

First, I think it’s about showing empathy and understanding. Letting it go if and when people say weird things and aren’t very thoughtful themselves. They are scared and confused like we all are. No one planned for this, no one has a guidebook. We are all trying to figure out how to continue living this life to the best of our ability in the midst of this pandemic.

Then, I think it’s trying to find ways to help others. And honestly, it’s hard to do this while social distancing, and I’ve struggled a lot. I’d usually hold a door or grab an item for someone but honestly now that looks more like moving out of someone else’s way. If they enter your 6 feet circumference, move away from them. Don’t get mad and frustrated. Let them look at the strawberries first if they walk up behind you. Be patient and kind. The empathy piece helps a lot here too.

Lastly, umm have I talked about smiling yet? Maybe you’ve already gathered that I like to smile. And usually I do it a whole lot. Lately, it’s been harder for me. Did I mention the 31 weeks pregnant and two toddlers? Oh yeah. But that aside, a smile is a small way to show someone you’re passing on the street or in the store that they are seen. And lots of people don’t feel seen right now. When such a small gesture can have that kind of impact, why not just hand them all out for free?

The postman, on a beautiful 80-degree day, came walking into my yard where I was sitting under a tree and I stood up and took the mail from him with a smile. He said, “you’re not afraid of me?”

This made me really sad. Because even though the truth is we’re afraid of the virus and not people, we ARE often treating people like we are afraid of them, like everyone has a disease, like other people’s hands are unclean. Let’s be conscious of that and differentiate between the person and the virus.

Why Did I Need a Coach?

I have had eight jobs since I graduated college about ten years ago. I’ve lived in four different cities, seven different houses and started writing three different books. To be completely honest, just this morning I actually considered quitting coaching and becoming a photographer—travel photographer to be exact. I imagined dangling out of a helicopter capturing never-before-seen photos of an indigenous people group in the mountains of Taiwan. Never mind that I have two small children at home, a wonderful husband who would miss me and weird dietary restrictions that would probably make the travel very uncomfortable.

 I have a hard time staying put. I always think there’s something better around the bend or that I’m missing out on the next thing. I get excited about new things and the possibilities that they seem to hold, but once that initial excitement wears off, I have a hard time pressing on through the mundane and the downright challenging days. I don’t like hard things and I ESPECIALLY don’t like boring things.

 This means that I have a very hard time achieving goals. Oh I can set them, let me tell you. I can set them like a top chef can set a delectable four course meal. I just can’t achieve them, and that leaves me feeling very frustrated and like a failure.

 Enter a coach.

 For the longest time I thought I had to figure it out on my own. I should be self-sufficient enough to achieve my goals. If I just triedharder then I should be able to stick with jobs, stay in places and get crap done. Welp, that didn’t work either. Just more tears and more frustration.

 I finally realized that I didn’t have to do it alone. A remarkable counselor that I was seeing at the time told me about coaching.  She told me they were especially trained to work with people like me who love the excitement of new ideas and goals but don’t have the grit to see them through. Coaches say hard things and point out the truths that aren’t always easy to see. Most importantly, they listen and hear the things that you are saying that you don’t hear yourself. 

 This is verbatim from a fictional but likely conversation between myself and a coach and since this is fictional, let’s just say we’re also drinking Mai Tais. Cue Ashley:

 Ashley:I just can’t seem to stick with my 15-minute writing goal a day. It’s not that much time but for some reason, I always leave it until the end of the day when I’m tired and all I want to do is a read a book. So I don’t do it.

 Coach: Tell me more about this specific goal. What made you decide on 15 minutes a day?

 Ashley:Well, you know I’m working on this book but it just seems to sit for months at a time if I don’t discipline myself and stick to some schedule. When I set the goal, it seemed like 15 minutes should be doable. It seemed like a small goal.

 Coach:I hear you saying that you think you should be able to reach this goal. What makes you think you should be able to do it?

 Ashley:What’s 15 minutes right? That’s as long as I spend looking at my phone over lunch or while waiting for son at school. But I’m frustrated that I’m not hitting it day after day and week after week. 

 Coach:Do you think it’s a realistic goal in your life right now?

 Ashley:When I really think about it, not really. Not every day. I think I’m lacking the mental capacity right now. It’s becoming more like a chore and the more frustrated I get, the less I do it and the more time I let pass without doing any writing at all. 

 Coach:That’s interesting. What kind of goal do you think you have capacity for right now?

 Ashley:I think I can write for 15 minutes once a week. Yikes, that’s a drastic change, but I know that I can hit that one. 

 Coach:That seems like a good idea. A good place to start. When would that fit in your week?

 Ashley:(takes a sip of her Mai Tai) Probably on Fridays when my husband is off work. I can do it right away when I wake up.

 Coach:Great. Let’s write that down and I’ll circle back with you next time we talk. Cheers! (Mai Tais clinking)

 Yes, a coach will guide you through large life changes like a job transition or welcoming a new baby but most of our lives consist of small daily goals that we set for ourselves like sticking to a cleaning schedule or making our bed each day. There is so much joy in setting a small goal and accomplishing it. A coach is there to guide you through any and all goals that you might have.

 When I veer off my path, like daydreaming about hiking in the Serengeti or quitting my life to become a chef, my coach gently reminds me what I told her a week ago and sets me right back on track. 

 Are you interested in learning more about hiring a life coach? Want to learn more about the Enneagram and how it can be a benefit in coaching? Read more here.

What is the Enneagram?

Learning about yourself

The Enneagram is a tool used to learn about your personality. It highlights nine different personality types, all of which are based on attributes of God.

It’s most useful in providing language for why you have the personality that you do and why you behave the way that you do with that personality.

The goal when using the Enneagram is not that you would become better at living with your particular personality but rather that, through knowledge and realization of your personality, you begin to understand your essence, or who you are behind your personality, at your true core.

It’s also used to become better at understanding why you think, feel and act the way you do and it begins to teach you how to use each of these functions equally and at the appropriate time.

Through my personal study of the tool, I have found it most helpful when learning about myself in terms of my relationships—with my husband, children, God, etc. While it’s always good to learn about oneself, it’s best when the purpose is to love others better. If we continue to live in a way that is blinded by our selfishness and lack of self-knowledge, then we end up hurting those around us, even unintentionally.

Another notable thing about the Enneagram is that it gives language to the shadow side, or the side of your personality that is not life-giving to yourself or to others. This is the side that’s hard to face and come to grips with. It’s also often the spot where most of the work needs to be done.

The Enneagram has recently become a very popular tool, despite the fact that it’s been around for a very long time. Just like any tool, it can be used properly and improperly. When used improperly, it can be harmful.

How is the Enneagram used best?

• To learn about oneself

• To have common language when listening to other people who are on their Enneagram journey

• To create empathy for people with other personality types

• To better understand the character of God and how each of us is created in his image

• To notice our personal strengths and weaknesses

How is the Enneagram used in a harmful way?

• To type other people who are not on the Enneagram journey and make assumptions about them

• To think about other people as one-dimensional and assume that they fit perfectly in the Enneagram archetypes

• To make insensitive jokes about other people’s personalities

• To assume that all people of a particular type are “easy” to get along with and that those of another type aren’t

Let’s talk more about coaching using the Enneagram. Contact Ashley below for a free call.

What Is a Life Coach?

Debunking the Myths

Let’s start with what a life coach is not.

1. An ego masseuse

2. A licensed counselor or therapist

3. Your Aunt Martha who just peppers you with questions every Thanksgiving

4. A guru with all the answers

Here’s what a life coach is.

1. Someone to help you reach your goals

2. A good listener

3. A thoughtful question asker

4. A motivator and someone to hold you accountable

A coach is meant to help you get from point A to point B. A coach will listen to you, ask you powerful questions and help you determine the right course of action. Your coaching sessions are a launching point to help you get the work done that needs to be done.

A relationship with a coach can be ongoing or it can be for a short period of time. The best way to determine if coaching is right for you is to sign up for a free initial coaching call. It’s just 20 minutes long and will give you a better idea of what it would be like to hire a coach.

Sign up here!

Do I Need a Coach?→

Do I need a coach?
5 questions to ask yourself

Here are a couple questions that might help you decide if you should hire a coach.

Is there something I want to accomplish?

Goal setting and achieving is much easier with a coach. Sharing your dreams and ideals with someone makes it more realistic. A coach will help you decide your next steps and how to get there. A coach will also hold you accountable.

Am I beginning a new season of life?

New babies. Kids off to school. A job change. Relocation. While these are facts of life, they’re not always easy. A coach will give you space to talk through all of the things that are happening and help you determine courses of action through the challenges of change.

Am I confused and overwhelmed by options?

Are your thoughts circulating without much productivity? If you’re having a hard time making decisions and moving forward, a coach can help you sort through your thoughts and come to conclusions about what you want and need.

Do I want to learn more about my personality? Why I think, feel and do what I do?

Learning about yourself is not just to benefit you; it’s to benefit all those around you. When you begin to learn about your personality—your motivations, tendencies, desires and habits—then you are becoming more aware of how you impact people in relationships.

Do I want to live more proactively and less reactively?

While it may seem like being busy is a good thing, often it means that you’re operating in a way that is reactive instead of proactive. This leads to a frustrating feeling of never fully accomplishing things, not being present, and never being good enough. A coach can help you create space to live more proactively.

There are other reasons you may want or need a coach in your life right now. If you think that this might be the time to hire a coach then request a call (link) and we can talk about it further.